Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
