Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
