This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
