I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Drunk is not a location!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
