This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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