Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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