I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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