just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
