i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So squirting runs in the family.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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