first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
