he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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