So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
