I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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