I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
