Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
