Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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