hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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