he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
