Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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