I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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