Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
