meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
