There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
