Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
