someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
