I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
