I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
