The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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