i jhust puked up my retainher.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
