fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
