Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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