i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
