It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
