I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
