I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
