he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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