My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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