you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
a search helicopter?!
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize