I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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