my mouth tastes like poor choices
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
