im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
