I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
