omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
