I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
