Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
