well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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