They should really pass out barf bags in church
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
A+ Viking dick
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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