I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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