her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just had sex on a roof
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
