Can i not drive my cunt home
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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