Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
