Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
