Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
