She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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