why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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