my phone needs a breathalizer
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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