Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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